You as a Car

May 29, 2009, 11:01:41 AM

I wrote this a long time ago when I was bored at work. Thought you folks might like it.

It goes like this.

Your base intellect, processing power and natural, un-augmented intelligence is your Engine block.

This can range from a straight four to a big block V8, depending on your own honest assessment of how naturally gifted you are in relation to active thought process.

A 1.6L MS Straight four means you’re pretty stupid without any sort of educational assistance. Slow and ponderous, you’re the sort of person that would have sucspoogebed to natural selection without modern medicine and the miracle of welfare. Walmart will probably be a wise career choice for you.

A 2.3L Quad Four means you’re not the brightest, but you put down just enough to be taken more seriously than your pathetic ricer underling. With good tires and a decent exhaust job, you could probably find yourself a middle management job somewhere and be decently content.

A 3.8L 3800 SII V6 makes you quick enough to appear on the surface a powerful block. What you lack in power, you make up for in dependability, and your natural aptitude for middle-of-the-road performance makes you likeable enough to promote with only average contribution.

A 4.9L SBF Straight Six means you’re sturdy and dependable. Not as bright as your bigger brother the V8 SBF, you’re still torquey enough to get the job handled on your own using inferior technology. This is most Americans.

A 5.0L 302W Means you’re pretty quick. You might not be a hulking, thumping, big block brain-monster, but you’ve been gifted with a keen noggin nonetheless, and with well angled headers and a pair of slicks, you’ll be able to put down some pretty hefty horses.

A 455 BBO makes you a Wheezing, rumbling, terrifying mind. Your fat cam and giant bore guzzle information with raw intellect and cognitive prowess.

_

Your reasoning and common sense are your Exhaust system

anywhere from 1 ½” pea shooters to 3” true X’ed duals. This all depends on how well you feel your common sense and intuition serves you on a daily basis.

Pea Shooters mean you have all the common sense of a slab of cheddar. You routinely make hasty and poorly thought-out decisions, and your life suffers immensely for it.

Fart Can Tells everybody around you exactly how to approach you…with extreme caution. You willingly, and with full knowledge of the outcome, exchanged a perfectly fine Stock Exhaust system for one that irritates and alarms everyone you meet. People with Fart Cans are usually home wreckers or drug addicts. A Fart Can is also a tell-tale sign of a 1.6L under the hood.

Stock Exhaust is fairly run of the mill. The block you came with came with an exhaust system tuned to be cheap and economical. This system isn’t the worst, but there are far better options available.

Dual Pipes Better flow to suit your superior reasoning power! You might not ALWAYS make the right calls, but even your bad decisions are well thought-out, minimizing repercussions.

X Pipes Places you firmly at the top of the heap as far as common sense goes. Everybody hears you coming, and they know you’re a guy that has his wits about him. Blueprint measured to exacting tolerances, and mandrel-bent to provide optimum flow, you’re careful, calculated, and never take a step without first considering the consequences. Your decision-making is lauded as perfect, and your life will be much easier and more productive because of it.

_

Your ambition and drive are your Tires.

Anything from dry-rotted and balding to Goodyear drag slicks, depending on how motivated you are where life is concerned.

Balding means you’re a jobless couch potato. The odds of you reading this email are low if your tires are bald, because you probably couldn’t afford a computer if you cared to have one in the first place. You’re content amounting to nothing, and would probably have no idea what to do with success if it somehow got lost and ended up on your doorstep.

Dry-rot is a sure sign of complacency. You had motivation at one point, heck, you might have been riding on a sweet set of slicks, but reality beat on you until you finally caved, and now after years of sitting in your spot under the hot sun of resentment, you’ve had all the drive and aspiration baked out of you. You’d probably pop if you tried to roll, but if you somehow managed to keep it together, there’s a chance you could be a decent piece of rubber again.

Econo-Brand motivation-tires allow you to get around just fine without all the risks associated with softer, more high-performance treads. Harder rubber makes for less grip, but you’re fine with the slow-and-steady approach.

Michelins make you very ambitious. Generations of entrepreneurs and businessmen have made their way around town on Michelins, their superior grip and handling allowing for quick dives and sharp corners while you avoid life’s frequent road hazards on your way to the top.

Drag Slicks are a sign of singular motivation. Your peers detest your tireless devotion and seemingly boundless energy where your goals and aspirations are concerned. “Do you ever sleep?” is a question frequently asked of you.

_

Your Educational achievements are your Rims.

Showing a desire to further oneself both mentally and fiscally via schooling displays a concern for outward appearance. After all, Joe Cool stayed in school, and now he’s got a slick set of wheels to show for it.

14” Hubcaps say school is stupid! Only nerds bother with it anyway, right? Yeah, good work retard. Public education isn’t perfect, but even Walmart needs a GED.

16” Factory Alloys are afforded to those who completed all four years of High School. Economical and not entirely unattractive, they aren’t nearly as spiffy as a nice set of Mags, but your diploma leaves room for improvement via higher education.

18” Powder Coated Aftermarket rims are the slightly cheaper alternative to true chrome. Getting an associates in anything but “The Arts” lands you with these, displaying proudly your (albeit frugal) dedication to higher learning.

20” Chrome rims come with a bachelor’s in the field of your choice. Four years of careful, loving polish have left these babies with a blinding sheen. Almost too large to squeeze into the factory wheel well, these say to all who gaze upon their mirrored surface “Observe sir, I do so verily stacketh papers to the roof, sooth.”

22” Spinners are the mark of a doctorate. Few and far between, these distinguish the true mental Ballers from the studio gangsters of education. With twelve years and a vast expanse of student loans under your belt, you are truly an O.G. bookworm, and may thusly commence rapping spontaneously about the size of your “dome” to any who will listen.

_

At this point it’s good to remember that a sweet ride is all-inclusive. The most massive, savage motor will perform piss-poorly with soda straws for exhaust pipes. Likewise a brilliant mind will suffer terribly at the hands of bad judgment. Should a big motor and good exhaust be present, you wont be able to stick it to the road with bald tires, and even with good rubber, the rest of the world will think you’re a punk rolling around on some busted hubcaps with peeling paint.

I’m about typed out, but I’d like to know, what kind of ride do you think you are?

You as a Car

Reply #1 – May 29, 2009, 11:26:43 AM

this is really good but I am not sure where I fit in, there isnt a 2.3t section.... :flip:

You as a Car

Reply #2 – May 29, 2009, 01:46:51 PM

Not really on topic, but my car is a direct reflection of me.

Good strong innards, but the body isn't much to look at...

CoogarXR

You as a Car

Reply #3 – May 29, 2009, 01:51:10 PM

Mine is in pieces (reflecting how I feel about it, no less)
while I piss and moan because I have very little time to work on it.

Diapers and food ain't free, or cheap, but I know someday it'll make panties wet and ricers cower in fear, lol.

You as a Car

Reply #4 – May 29, 2009, 01:58:16 PM

Wow, I'm making backwards progress. I've literaly gone from 455 BBO to 2.3T. I wonder what that means?

You as a Car

Reply #5 – May 29, 2009, 08:40:52 PM

lol