Joke of the day...

Topic: Joke of the day... (Read 3229 times) previous topic - next topic

Joke of the day...

March 26, 2007, 11:11:31 AM

I go bored and decided that this sounded like a decient Idea. I can't assume where it will go so I'm putting a NSFW warning now. Have fun with this. Try to keep it Under X rated, but R seems ok:flame:

An old Biker walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Biker: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had shag with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling everybody.”

Joke of the day...

Reply #1 – March 26, 2007, 12:02:35 PM

i give that a 2 out of 10

Joke of the day...

Reply #2 – March 26, 2007, 12:07:01 PM

Ok:
As the atheist was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 12 foot grizzly
charge towards him. He started to run as fast as he could up the path. While running he looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He tripped & fell on the ground. The bear instantly overtook him and
raised his paw to strike the runner. At that instant the Atheist cried
out, "Oh my God, help me!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Someone else chime in, I'm just making an ass of my self here

Joke of the day...

Reply #3 – March 26, 2007, 12:34:20 PM

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Joke of the day...

Reply #4 – March 26, 2007, 01:23:16 PM

OK, stolen from another forum (Hey Mustang guys aren't all bad) and originally posted by a guy celebrating his 37th wedding anniversary.

LOVE and MARRIAGE

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me , and the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage bpuppies:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Bryan

PS - All spoken tongue-in-cheek of course. :)

Joke of the day...

Reply #5 – March 26, 2007, 02:00:56 PM

Wow!!!

Joke of the day...

Reply #6 – March 26, 2007, 04:13:08 PM

Any blonds here? I hope not...

Car For Sale

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Bryan (ducking out the back door just in case)

Joke of the day...

Reply #7 – March 26, 2007, 09:59:25 PM

Last one for tonight.

The Jumper

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at theTV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?" Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair, Here is your money." Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bryan

Joke of the day...

Reply #8 – March 26, 2007, 10:29:26 PM

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet pen 15e selection, and out came a Diet pen 15e which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for pen 15e Classic and out came a pen 15e Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

Joke of the day...

Reply #9 – March 26, 2007, 10:30:26 PM

LMFAO i love blond jokes

Joke of the day...

Reply #10 – March 26, 2007, 10:35:13 PM

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

3 Rings of Marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My pen 15 is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a pen 15?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Joke of the day...

Reply #11 – March 26, 2007, 10:37:48 PM

thats mad funny

Joke of the day...

Reply #12 – March 26, 2007, 10:39:55 PM

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave." he replied.

Joke of the day...

Reply #13 – March 26, 2007, 10:42:20 PM

Hahaha Lol

Joke of the day...

Reply #14 – March 26, 2007, 11:07:57 PM

I have learned...

...statutory rape has nothing to do with sculpture.

...whether you killed the person or not, a body in your trunk is YOUR responsibility.

...Zen is total bullshiznit. When you realize that fact, you have mastered Zen.

...If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, you own the mother ****er. Treat it accordingly.

...kittens can't take a punch.

...once you have driven a woman to suicide, bringing one to orgasm is just not that impressive.

...if you throw a softball and hit the orange triangle on an Amish guy's buggy it will dunk the driver.

...chicks who smoke do it.

...lobsters don't really scream when you boil them, but kittens do.

...women rarely use the word "pork" as a verb.

...vegetarian pizzas wouldn't be half bad if they had some meat on them.

...Milk Duds in a dolphins blowhole will kill it, but they are easier to pet when they are floating belly up.

...the zoo won't let you in after announcing at the gate that you are wearing your "wallaby stompin' boots".

...all elections are only one dead hooker away from a landslide.

...feeding Alka-seltzer to birds will make their guts explode.

...if brought to life, Precious Moments figurines would be horribly deformed mongoloids.

...if I think it's funny it's probably bad.

...Christians come in varying degrees, from the well-meaning live and let live type to the twisted zealot with the psychotic Jesus fetish.

...strippers lose a lot of their mystique when the sunlight hits them.

...the hunger problem in this country could be easily solved. Every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

...animal torture is okay, as long as it makes them taste better.

...a ladle of chili in a trick-or-treater's bag will really warm them up on a cold Halloween night.

...my dream of a Miss Retarded America Pageant will never be realized.