Joke of the day...

Topic: Joke of the day... (Read 3224 times) previous topic - next topic

Joke of the day...

Reply #15 – March 27, 2007, 01:49:43 AM

Just a couple quick one liners for y'all.

2 blondes walked into a building, you'd figure at least one of them would've seen it.

2 peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted(a salted)

Joke of the day...

Reply #16 – March 27, 2007, 06:41:57 AM

...feeding Alka-seltzer to birds will make their guts explode.
bad idea man makes a big mess stupid people have tryed that

Joke of the day...

Reply #17 – March 27, 2007, 10:01:37 AM

Pretty good stuff guys!

And about that body in the trunk, a bumber sticker I saw recently on a female driven car.

"I HAVE A PERFECT BODY"
"but it is in the trunk and starting to smell."

Bryan

Joke of the day...

Reply #18 – March 27, 2007, 11:54:23 AM

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A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Joke of the day...

Reply #19 – March 27, 2007, 01:16:43 PM

Ugh. :)

But along those lines...

The Fly
There was a young boy walking along eating a baloney sandwich that his mom had made for him when, as he took a bite, a piece of baloney shot out the back side of the sandwich and landed on the ground. Now being a well trained little boy of 5 he knew that food on the ground was dirty and he should not pick it up and eat it. So he picked it up and tossed it to the side in the yard.

Well as frequently happens, a fly came along and saw the good piece of baloney lying there and buzzed down to have a meal. After eating for a while, and getting quite stuffed I might add, the fly flew off and landed on a nearby lawn mower handle to sun himself. While sitting there he kept eyeing the nice piece of baloney still sitting on the ground. Finally the temptation was too much and, although still very full, he flew down to grab some more.

As he was sitting there eating, the little boy came running back though the yard with hardly a care in the world but heading right for the piece of baloney. As he got closer the fly thought, 'Shoot, I better get out of here.' So he started flapping and buzzing his wings but all to no avail! For he was so full of baloney that his little light wings could no longer lift his stuffed full body. And sure enough, as the boy went running by he did not see the piece of baloney with the fly on it and his foot came right down on them both!

End of story. (and the fly.)

So what is the moral of this story you might ask? Why is it not plain to see?

'Never fly off the handle when you are full of baloney!'

And with that groaner I need to run.

Bryan

Joke of the day...

Reply #20 – March 27, 2007, 01:49:06 PM

ok heres on

A hot shot new york lawyer is walking across madison ave. he gets run over by a cab and is dead. He gets to the pearly gates and St. Peter says " My son what warrents your passage into heaven?" The lawyer thinks about it and says"The other day I gave a homeless man a quarter." St. peter says "Thats really not alot what else have you done in your life that warrents your passage into heaven?" The lawyer thinks about it and says "well a couple of years ago I gave another homeless man a quarter." St. Peter looks over to Gabriel and asks "What do you think?" Gabriel looks him over and says "WWell if you ask me,I say we give him his 50cents back and tell him to go to hell."

louie

Joke of the day...

Reply #21 – April 03, 2007, 12:12:35 PM

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.

When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

Joke of the day...

Reply #22 – April 03, 2007, 01:00:20 PM

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

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WALMART WINE
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item, Walmart's own brand of wine. Yes, the world's largest retail chain is teaming with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA, to produce the spirits at the affordable $2-$5 price range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, here is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She said, "The right name is important.

So, here we go.......
The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine.
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(possum) or red meat (squirrel).

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A Week At The Gym; One Mans' Story

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress...

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed
as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took meto work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. ) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root cbuttstuff
or a vasectomy.

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A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

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There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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A man went into a store and asked the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh ? Would Ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy asked, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot."

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THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE puppiesANESE AND A CAJUN -- WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"
SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE puppiesANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE CAJUN WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE CAJUN WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL SHA, WILL YA LOOK AT DAT. I'M
GETTIN' ME A FAX."

Joke of the day...

Reply #23 – April 03, 2007, 02:41:44 PM

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

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The Pharmacist Dilemma

A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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First time shag

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had shag before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and shag.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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The Duck and the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get
to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

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Joke of the day...

Reply #24 – April 03, 2007, 03:02:20 PM

A Preacher A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.There is a hush within the congregation, ...no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,.... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him shag!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his fore head with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ...."Screw the Preacher!"

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SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmers decided to go down to the pond as he hadn'tbeen there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart.."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.."

Submitted by! Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

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The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY : Are you shagually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Joke of the day...

Reply #25 – April 03, 2007, 03:10:52 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos..... (MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight."

He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shiznit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Joke of the day...

Reply #26 – April 07, 2007, 12:48:32 PM

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give beejs!"

"beejs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more beejs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!

Joke of the day...

Reply #27 – April 08, 2007, 09:39:22 PM

A car full of white southern boys was speeding through Jackson, Mississippi when they passed a parked sheriff's car. A chase ensued, during which the white boys' car crashed into the back of a car full of negros who were stopped at a red light. The sheriff arrived at the scene and got out of his car. He walked over to the white boys and said, "All right, boys, how fast were those ####ers going when they backed up into you?"

* runs and dives under a table just in case*