Every day is a gift.

February 18, 2013, 12:24:34 PM

Some of you right away will know what I mean..where I'm going, and some of you are about to learn a little about me.

Now last night, I read some sad news that someone in the music industry lost her battle with her demons. This made me think, took me back to some dark times I had myself, and how one day I just saw a flash of light and turned myself and my mind around.

RIP Mindy McCready. Hopefully you now know a peace that wasn't yours here.

Now..my little story;
Back in early 2005, I was working, making good money, ed good money. Was having a lot of fun, just living, and living better. My first wife started a job bartending, and nights off and weekends, I'd go sit with her, kind of a lookout, if you will. Now I won't lie, I've had my share of problems in the past, and at that point, thought I was unbeatable, that I could resist any temptation.

I was wrong.

I started drinking heavily again. Broke up the little jam band I had with a friend for good (indeed, I've never played guitar with anyone else since), I started pushing away my friends...inside my head, something just went away one day.
As the summer progressed, my birthday rolled around, my now-ex-wife tried to get some people together on the 11th of August to keep me sober, but I wasn't having any of that. Within an hour I was pretty well trashed.
Her and I started having problems, then a loser came into my life and I started popping pills as well. September was more of the same, as was October.
We were at the bar Halloween night...the local cop came in, and as I somewhat remember, he asked if anyone of us knew someone in an S10 Blazer. Whoever it was had lost control, ran off the road, and overturned several times, landing in the opposite lane of our local 4 lane highway.
As soon as he said those words, I felt a coldness that wasn't to leave me for nearly 3 years.
The next morning I was told it was my stepbrother, who I'd spent a great deal of time with from about 1984 on.
He left behind a little girl, she was not quite 4 when we lost him.
I have very few memories of November, other than my dad, and Shaun's mom telling me to be careful, because I was on a dark path too. Like me, he had his addictions earlier, but had beaten them and was making a new life with his little girl and her mom.
I think it was the night of December 23 when we got home from the bar around 2 am I was a mess. I should have been checked in to a place to get cleane dup then, but my ex wife was young and didn't know the signs of depression, let alone have a clue what to for help.
Not long after that, I think I drank whiskey all night and ate vicodin like candy, hoping that it would be my last night here. I remember getting up about daylight one morning, still drunk and barely able to breathe, going to the bathroom, and passing out cold while standing there doing my business. When Jennifer came in the room later, she started freaking out. I was blue, pale, barely responsive. She should have called the cops and the ambulance, but for some reason she sat there, knowing that this was the way I wanted to go out. But for some reason, I came out of it. I then figured if the pills wouldn't kill me, it was time for something else.
So I found a pen 15e dealer, and had even more debauchery till the end of the year.
Other women, other couples, etc, more drugs...very painful times, very shameful, and very hurtful.

New Years Eve...was the last time I ever put blow in my nose. I knew that 2006 had to be a different year. I was starting to realize that I just wasn't happy with Jennifer, and I swore to myself that I would change everything.
I started and quit a job working at the local junkyard doing engine and transmission swaps, and avoided all my old friends, except for my best bud and his wife. I made a couple of bad decisions, and then one day, I told Jen to pack some things she couldn't go without, and to get out of my life.
I started gaining clarity, seeing what I wanted of my time here, and I refused to let anyone get in the way of my vision.

I did the internet, "e-love" thing for about a year or so, and in January 2008 i was comfortable enough with determination to be sober that I was out hanging out with some people again...one night this gal stopped by my bud's house..I aksed him about her...a couple weeks later were an item.
In the meantime, as we got to know each other better, I found a job again, and one morning, on my first break, she came to me, asking if I was ready to be a father. I think I surprised her a little when i said it was the thing in life wanted most.

I'm going to stop my story here, but the moral remains (as does the memory of the pain): When you're unhappy, please get help. There IS someone out there who will listen and talk to you about things you don't understand. Thankfully, I survived my dark times, and I'm pretty sure now after 5 years I've beaten the demons who clung to my back from 2003 through 2005.

Don't pity me, I did plenty of that myself back when, I survived, I learned, and i grew from it.
Don't hate me because I was weak and turned to something in the hopes that it would solve all my problems...I knew it was wrong, but I knew that I had no choice, all the same.

DO remember my message if you know of someone who battles depression...it's a sickness that isn't so visible. I've lost some truly great people in my life, and I think the "survivor guilt" kicked in and made me feel like it should have been me in that casket instead of my best friend's first wife, 2 months pregnant, and dead at 18.

But I lived, and now I live for them as well, with these words, I leave for you:
LIFE IS GOOD. But you have to live it, love it, and embrace it. Not throw it away for the powders, the pills, and the bottles of liquor.

When my little boy tells me "you're the bestest daddy ever, daddy roo" I am so thankful I lived, and the shame of what I did is almost unbearable. My little girl turned 3 yesterday, and to think I would have missed out on the experiences of seeing someone who is identical in me to spirit makes me truly grateful for what I now have.
Cars, guns, money, houses...all that is just shiznit, filler, and nothing more, compared to the value of family, and i will never jeopardize myself and health again.

If you have problems, please get help. If i can beat my demons, I KNOW you can.
Thank you, and blessed be.

Beau.

Every day is a gift.

Reply #1 – February 18, 2013, 03:31:06 PM

:golfclap:

Very cool, thanks for taking the time to share that.