went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem May 03, 2008, 08:22:11 AM I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure if that course of action was a wise one.You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented, "You're definitely going to ****** yourself" chili.Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me, that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks will fall off.Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors, as thunder and lightning.Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms, that the pain hit me.Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud, the likes of which has never before been recorded.I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big mistake.Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand Malassplosion took place.Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", .....floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager.I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly, not to return.Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili,so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Zellers.I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.s claim they're going to have to repaint the store. Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #1 – May 03, 2008, 08:42:10 AM OMG, please don't eat chili before catjam,I got tears in my eyes from that story, And I wasn't even near you and your chili.[SIZE="7"]LOL[/SIZE] Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #2 – May 03, 2008, 10:25:53 AM hahah, this actually didnt happen to me, happened to a buddy from another board. Made me piss my self laughing so I figured I would post it here.Bet it had happened to Alex before though. :D Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #3 – May 03, 2008, 10:30:58 AM That's got to be the funniest thing I've heard this year.I'm still laughing 2 hrs later Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #4 – May 03, 2008, 10:59:46 AM third attempt to read without passing out,,, my boys have stomach aches,,,, and now i say"right click, save as":bowdown: Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #5 – May 03, 2008, 12:00:38 PM I have never laughed so much at one post. I think its funnier because everyone knows that feeling. Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #6 – May 03, 2008, 02:28:32 PM hey...sometimes shiznit just happens, ya dig?lol, my face hurts from laughin now, that was good Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #7 – May 03, 2008, 03:38:19 PM OMG!!!!I have had a similar thing happen. I was at my buddys g/fs house with him, and I had to do the number 2, but there was no way in hell I was gonna in her house! So I held it for the HOUR we were there, running away every time I farted, trying not to move so much, then we got on our bikes to go to a carnival downtown, Well I made it to the main road when I realized I wasnt gonna make it, So i yelled i had to go, jumped into the main road and flew across it into a dunkin donuts, RAN to the bathroom, and I BARELY got my pants down in time. My god I never felt so relieved in my life. Well I finished, cleaned up and walked out, and as i walked away someone else went to the door opened it, and as I was walking out I hear, "HOLY shiznit" and he quickly shut the door, and I took off as fast as I could.Its funny the shiznit that happens, literally! hahaha Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #8 – May 03, 2008, 04:43:15 PM Back when I was younger, I once ate a combination of Fritos (tm), Fritos Chilli Cheese Dip (tm), And Pepsi (tm) one night. About two hours later my 2 friends and I bolted out of the house for a couple hours while we let the odor "vent out". Good times! Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #9 – May 07, 2008, 07:09:36 PM Quote from: daminc;216960That's got to be the funniest thing I've heard this year.I'm still laughing 2 hrs laterI'll post one I read on another forum....lol. You'll laugh at it too!Good one too! I laughed so hard. Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #10 – May 07, 2008, 08:31:56 PM I hate when you have a parrachute fart......you go and it follows you. Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #11 – May 07, 2008, 08:46:55 PM Quote from: SR71TC;217720I hate when you have a parrachute fart......you go and it follows you.LMAO, yeah especially when you walk around the corner and bump into a hot chick....:hick: Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #12 – May 08, 2008, 10:34:06 PM Quote from: 1WLD BRD;216957hahah, this actually didnt happen to me, happened to a buddy from another board. Made me piss my self laughing so I figured I would post it here. Bet it had happened to Alex before though. :D HAHAHAH yeah it did, AND it was actually in a wal mart, but it wasn't my own stench that made me laugh, it was when i looked to read writing on the stalls while I was playing a 1-man battleshiznit competition and I looked left and it read "bathroom tennis look right" then i looked right, and it said "bathroom tennis look left". Quote Selected
went to the store the other day, and got into a bit of a problem Reply #13 – May 09, 2008, 03:26:26 AM LMAO thats funny! I remember reading on the walls on that chinese restaraunt the use to be on the corner of Chambers Corners at the urinal.... "what are you looking up here for, the joke is in your hands..." lolor in the stalls of Steel car:"Those who write on bathroom walls,rolls his shiznit into little balls.Those who read these words of wit,eat those little balls of shiznit..."LOL Quote Selected
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