Jokes

Topic: Jokes (Read 1743 times) previous topic - next topic

Jokes

March 04, 2005, 09:07:09 PM

What funny jokes do you know? it could be about anything for all i care..... i know like 2 funny jokes but i can only remember one....

Why didn't Osama Binladen have shag with his five wives?
everytime he would spread their legs he would see Bush

P.S. do not be offended by the jokes told in this thread....

Re: Jokes

Reply #1 – March 04, 2005, 10:17:50 PM

-Why do real men wear kilts?
-Sheep can hear zippers.

-How did the crazy person get out of the forrest?
-He took the psycho-path

-Where do you find a dog with no legs?
-Right where you left em.

Re: Jokes

Reply #2 – March 04, 2005, 11:35:34 PM

kinda long

a husband and wife are in a horrendous car crash and the wife gets really bad burns over her face.the Dr. says he must use skin grafts to repair the damage but the woman is too skinny.so the husband offers to be a donnor.only thing is they have the extract it from his butt.they both agree and vowe never to reveil this too any one.well it all goes wonderfull the wife comes beautiful.all thier freinds complement her on her beautiful complexion.well one night the wife is all emotional and says how happy she is and how can she ever thank him.the husband says he gets all the thanks he will ever need every time her mother kisses her cheek.

Re: Jokes

Reply #3 – March 05, 2005, 12:14:56 AM

If a chicken and a half
can lay an egg and a half
in a day in a half
then.........
how long would it take
for a peg legged cricket
to kick the seeds
out of a watermellon?

Re: Jokes

Reply #4 – March 05, 2005, 12:30:13 AM

Quote from: jcassity

how long would it take
for a peg legged cricket
to kick the seeds
out of a watermellon?

17 hours 23 minutes and 40 seconds according to my calculations. :hick:

Re: Jokes

Reply #5 – March 05, 2005, 01:03:26 AM

there aint no punch line to that one,,its just a question that usually gets wierd looks.

its even funnier when pulled out of no where ,, people are like huu?

i dont know where i got that one from but i know its gotta be an antique.

Re: Jokes

Reply #6 – March 05, 2005, 01:51:43 AM

how did the newfie break his leg raking leaves
he fell out of the tree

a blonde and brunette are walking down the sidewalk
brunette looks down and says "oh a dead bird"
blonde looks up and say "where"

Re: Jokes

Reply #7 – March 05, 2005, 02:06:09 AM

The other day two blondes walked into a building...
You would think that one of them would have seen it. :screwy:

Why don't dogs eat umbrellas?
Because telephone poles don't have doors. :hick:

:shakehead :wtf:

(couldn't let these smilies got to waste :D )
Not sure, but I think this was from a George Carlin skit?

Re: Jokes

Reply #8 – March 05, 2005, 07:56:46 AM

Quote from: jcassity

If a chicken and a half
can lay an egg and a half
in a day in a half
then.........
how long would it take
for a peg legged cricket
to kick the seeds
out of a watermellon?

That's much like an old one I heard long ago, except it has a punchline:

If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, then why is a cat like a sidewalk?

Because neither one can play the piano.

Re: Jokes

Reply #9 – March 05, 2005, 08:27:36 AM

Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Kentucky, were in a local Wal-Mart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"

Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Re: Jokes

Reply #10 – March 05, 2005, 10:31:45 AM

A baby seal walks into a club......

Re: Jokes

Reply #11 – March 05, 2005, 10:42:46 AM

"I want some icecream" smack! "you still want ice cream?" "uhuh" SMACK! Why.....Why you cryn'? why you cry'n?

Man my aunt ran over my leg, i got up and tried to walk i was limping shes like "walk right! walk right! we go to Mcdonalds Walk right!" -George lopez

Re: Jokes

Reply #12 – March 07, 2005, 06:04:24 PM

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

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WALMART WINE
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item, Walmart's own brand of wine. Yes, the world's largest retail chain is teaming with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, CA, to produce the spirits at the affordable $2-$5 price range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, here is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, RI. She said, "The right name is important.

So, here we go.......
The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Walmart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine.
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat
(possum) or red meat (squirrel).

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A Week At The Gym; One Mans' Story

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress...

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire like teeth exposed
as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took meto work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. ) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife (the devil) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root cbuttstuff
or a vasectomy.

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A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

Re: Jokes

Reply #13 – March 08, 2005, 12:06:49 AM

LMFAO

the workout thing was hilarious

Re: Jokes

Reply #14 – March 10, 2005, 06:59:14 PM

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

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There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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A man went into a store and asked the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh ? Would Ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy asked, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot."

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THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE puppiesANESE AND A CAJUN -- WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"
SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE puppiesANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE CAJUN WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE CAJUN WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL SHA, WILL YA LOOK AT DAT. I'M
GETTIN' ME A FAX."